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i’ve tried but haven’t been able to find a more poignant song for how i’m feeling these days.
I’m the eye that’s in your mind
mysteriously I fall fast asleep. Asleep.
Come on sweet love
we can pick it right up
where we left off anytime.
‘cause I, I won’t mind.
And all I know is all I can do is
just say it and ignite
I said what I said and I meant it.
I got these words in my head
but I can’t seem to get em out right now.
Said I got these words in my head
Gotta get em gotta get em
Gotta get em out right now
(cuz I can’t eat, and when I dream
it’s about you.)
Come on my dear
I know we had our problems
but we both know there’s
nothing to fear.
Cuz in time
We’ll make up for the space
Ya see I know it came between us
when we both had nothing to say.
I said what I said
and I meant it.
Well it’s your face in a field
when I fall asleep
It’s funny how it disappears
like it’s funny how it could wait.
and if I close my eyes and
I count to three
will I wake up in my bed
and will I wake up with you lying
next to me?
I’ll see you back home about
quarter to ten
with a bottle of tonic
and some bombay gin
in the backeat of my car
backseat of my car.
and we’ve been growing close
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I am a musician. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be, all I’ve ever thrown my entire life force behind. When people ask me what I do for a living, I don’t tell them all of the three to four things I do to make money. I tell them I’m a musician. A “living,” to me, is not simply how one pays the bills - it’s how one thrives, it’s how a person continues to wake up each day and say that things aren’t so bad. I make a living out of music because sure, not only do I get paid for it on a regular basis, but because there is no where else (figuratively or literally) on this earth that I feel completely myself, except behind my drums.
Behind the kit, I owe no explanations. I owe no words, no thoughts, no gestures. Everything that I need to say is played. I know I often look ridiculous when playing the drums. I’m fine with that because it’s been that way for years and because it is the purest form of expression I can possibly think of. The way I play is not premeditated, it’s a direct and uncalculated reaction to the vibes surrounding me, from my bandmates, to the audience, to the venue, to the staff.
If you do not understand this about me - that is okay. Trying to change that about me is not. It comes from a place even I don’t understand. Deep within my psyche there is a need to play and an understanding that I’m only young once. Now is the time to full heartedly pursue these dreams. In a few years, I will no longer have the opportunity to tirelessly work towards this goal. I’ll eventually have to move on if things don’t progress the way I’d like them to. I’m fine with that. I’m also fine with every day I’ve spent on the road or in the studio since I was born.
In recent years my priorities have shifted and changed. My view towards life and love and relationships has drastically changed. Specific people have influenced me in so many positive ways, but until now no one had ever tried to sway me from my dreams. It’s with that in mind that I have to let go. The good memories and the strong feeling of love and connectedness will always pop forth in my mind, but they will have to take the back seat to one simple fact: I am not understood at the very core of my being. If I am not understood, how can I be loved?
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“I must choose wisely the next note that I play
It determines the rest of the strain
The rhythm, the arrangement and melodies made
It’s the only thing keeping me sane
That’s why I absorb myself deep in each song
In hopes that it whisks me away
But the parts never last long enough and the chords growing faint
And eventually the band leaves the stage”
Throw me to piranhas if you won’t be with me Is it all about the ebb and the flow And if you gotta smash some plates to relax Do it Throw me to piranhas if you won’t be with me Is it all about the highs and the lows And if you gotta smash some plates to relax Tear his limbs off I don’t wanna be the stranger in your rearview mirror
Feed me to koalas if you won’t be with me
I’m not a barracuda even though I flash the teeth
Throw me to piranhas if you won’t be with me
Or losing your mind sometimes and letting go?
You feel like you can’t breathe, you’re out of control
The world is a shitshow you barely can handle
I say do it - d-d-d-d-d-d-do it
And if you gotta crash your car in a lake to feel sane
I say do it - just do it
And if you gotta scream until your voice breaks
I say do it - d-d-d-d-d-d-do it
And if you gotta punch your dad in the face
I say think about it -
Feed me to koalas if you won’t be with me
I’m not a barracuda even though I flash the teeth
Throw me to piranhas if you won’t be with me
Or losing all your love and letting it go
You feel like you can’t deal, your heart’s doing cartwheels
The world is a shitshow as bad as the sequel
I say do it - d-d-d-d-d-d-do it
And if you gotta crash your car in a lake to feel sane
I say do it - just do it
And if you gotta dance until the earth quakes
And her boyfriend’s a dick and you gotta regulate
I say think about it - he might destroy you
Think about it he might destroy you
I just wanna be the man you bring home for dinner
“I could count the ways I’ve done wrong, but I’ve done that ten million times before. Don’t know why I felt so wrong about doing right. The nights drag as I shift to and fro, from worry to blistering confidence - always ending back at worry. I know. I worry too much. There’s a lot at stake here, and in light of recent points of clarity - I’m unwilling and unable to forthrightly cede this thing. This thing that has taken on a life of its’ own, this thing that has become something much more than I, or you, or Us.
Clarity is one of the more painful circumstances of the human condition. With clarity comes the truth, with the truth comes regret, with regret comes a lesson, and with each lesson comes grace.
Though, I will say one last thing: a lesson being learned is not equivalent to nor the cause of an ending. An ending hasn’t been written yet.”
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I smell your perfume on my bed
and my head’s a balloon
Aching from taking too many shots of you
I’m hungover, runover, stomach is pumping
and I finally bit off more than I could chew
more than I could lose
I’m wasted without you
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