A House Mentality.

26th September 2011

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I am a musician. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be, all I’ve ever thrown my entire life force behind. When people ask me what I do for a living, I don’t tell them all of the three to four things I do to make money. I tell them I’m a musician. A “living,” to me, is not simply how one pays the bills - it’s how one thrives, it’s how a person continues to wake up each day and say that things aren’t so bad. I make a living out of music because sure, not only do I get paid for it on a regular basis, but because there is no where else (figuratively or literally) on this earth that I feel completely myself, except behind my drums.

Behind the kit, I owe no explanations. I owe no words, no thoughts, no gestures. Everything that I need to say is played. I know I often look ridiculous when playing the drums. I’m fine with that because it’s been that way for years and because it is the purest form of expression I can possibly think of. The way I play is not premeditated, it’s a direct and uncalculated reaction to the vibes surrounding me, from my bandmates, to the audience, to the venue, to the staff.

If you do not understand this about me - that is okay. Trying to change that about me is not. It comes from a place even I don’t understand. Deep within my psyche there is a need to play and an understanding that I’m only young once. Now is the time to full heartedly pursue these dreams. In a few years, I will no longer have the opportunity to tirelessly work towards this goal. I’ll eventually have to move on if things don’t progress the way I’d like them to. I’m fine with that. I’m also fine with every day I’ve spent on the road or in the studio since I was born. 

In recent years my priorities have shifted and changed. My view towards life and love and relationships has drastically changed. Specific people have influenced me in so many positive ways, but until now no one had ever tried to sway me from my dreams. It’s with that in mind that I have to let go. The good memories and the strong feeling of love and connectedness will always pop forth in my mind, but they will have to take the back seat to one simple fact: I am not understood at the very core of my being. If I am not understood, how can I be loved?